


Line Without a Hook

by Whistlesnbells



Category: GLOW (TV 2017)
Genre: Acting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Established Relationship, F/F, Hollywood, Insecurity, Living Together, Panic Attacks, gorgeous ladies of wrestling - Freeform, kind of?, ruth is very anxious and insecure maybe thats why i kin her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27693532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whistlesnbells/pseuds/Whistlesnbells
Summary: Ruth has always been insecure about her relationship with Debbie. Debbie thought she understood.TW/CW: graphic panic attackBased on/inspired by the song "Line Without a Hook" by Ricky Montgomery
Relationships: Debbie Eagan/Ruth Wilder
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	Line Without a Hook

Ruth sat on her couch, facing the small tv screen. She was watching old wrestling reruns for the millionth time, with a thousand yard stare on her face. It was her favorite activity to do, after a particularly bad audition. It  _ just _ walked the line between nostalgic and depressing. If she actually watched reruns of GLOW, she ran the risk of facing horrible thoughts of how that could have been the peak of her career. But sitting in silence led her down the same path anyways, so it was worth it, for the background noise. For the close-enough reminder of the good times, without getting too up close and personal. She was good at that.

She flopped heavily onto her back and checked the time. Five thirty, it wouldn’t be long. With Randy at Mark’s, she couldn’t busy herself doting over him, and as of the moment, she had no auditions to prepare for, no scenes to study. All she really  _ could  _ do was wait for Debbie to come home. That’s...all she ever did. After a few glasses of the (lack-luster) boxed wine in the fridge, she retreated to the bedroom.




Ruth’s eyes fluttered open to the sound of assorted rustling and jangling, which she already knew to be Debbie wrestling furiously with the apartment lock. She smiled and chuckled softly to herself as she hoisted herself off the bed to open the door. Ruth yanked the door open, causing her struggling girlfriend to stumble forward a bit. 

“Fighting a losing battle, are we?” 

“Shut up, I hate it when you lock the door like that.” Debbie rolled her eyes, but there was no bite to her tone. Ruth stood on her tiptoes and brought her down into a short, sugary-sweet kiss before the two made their way back into the apartment. Debbie smiled into it. They didn’t have to talk for her to understand that it meant “ _ I missed you.”  _

“Sooooo, how was work?” Ruth put on her best chipper tone. 

Debbie took a second to rub her temples, as if the very subject gave her a headache. “Fine enough. Bash is going through some kind of… fuck, I don’t know, life crisis? So  _ he’s  _ out of commission. I’m basically running the show for now.” She hung her jacket up and fell back onto the couch. Ruth followed her and gently took her place by her side. “I’m not complaining, I guess. This is what I signed up for, it’s all just so…. _ aaaah _ , you know?”

“Hey, Debs, look at me,” She put on her best pair of doe eyes and a small, sympathetic smile, “You’re Debbie fuckin’ Eagan. All-American Hero! If anyone can pull this off, it's you.” She reached up and softly tucked a strand of hair behind Debbies ear, offering the most tender version of herself possible. Debbie felt tears sting in her eyes, but she didn’t dare break eye contact. Instead, she leaned into Ruth’s hand, deepening the touch.

“It’ll be okay.” 

Debbie sighed, as if picking up her pieces and offered a half-nod, before turning her attention towards the flickering screen, still playing old wrestling matches. 

“It was that bad, huh?”

Ruth flinched away slightly, but thought better of herself. The question stung, but she needed the closeness too much to make a scene. “They told me my nostrils flared too much.”

“They  _ what? _ ” Debbie snorted in disbelief. 

“Right? That’s almost worse than if I, I don’t know, flubbed my lines, or something like that. At least, then, I know it was my dumb fault.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not your fault casting directors have such bullshit reasons for turning people away.” 

Ruth didn’t say anything. She just stared at her feet. She knew if she said something, her voice would break, or a tear would escape from her eye. Some sign of weakness would break the surface, and as much as she loved Debbie, she couldn’t afford that.  _ Not when it's already clear how little respect she has for my career, _ a small voice in her mind murmured. 

She was jolted out of her trance by a light hand gripping her shoulder.

“Ruth… If you need work…”

Ruth pulled away from her touch and masked her annoyance with a bright smile. Debbie frowned at the sudden rejection. 

“I’ll be fine, I just… I just need time.”

After a few seconds of awkwardness and aversion of eye contact, Ruth stood up.

“I think I’m gonna turn in, I’m pretty tired.”

Debbie thought for a moment, then cooly responded, “Okay, I need to sort some things out for the network, I’ll be there when I’m done.”

Ruth stared at her, wanting so badly to beg her to change her mind. Thinking better of it, she placed a gentle peck on the top of her head instead. They exchanged soft, casual “Love you”s before she retreated back to the bedroom to get some more rest. 

Except that she didn’t. 

She stared at the ceiling, just thinking. Thinking about the audition. How she didn’t think she could have  _ possibly  _ performed any better and she still failed. About what kind of actress it made her, if she couldn’t even get one, crappy background role. 

About  _ Debbie,  _ sweet, beautiful Debbie, who felt so close and yet miles upon miles away. How she hadn’t offered any kind of reassurance at all. No “you can do this, you’re so talented!” or “the next one will be better, I’m sure!” Nothing. Not that words of encouragement were Debbie’s strong suit, but she seemed to be able to at least produce them for just about anyone else. 

She felt a deep pain in her stomach, like a gaping hole opening up, preparing to swallow her whole. Ruth was no stranger to these thoughts, they plagued her just about twenty-four/seven. She was used to choking them down, usually along with whatever pride she had left. Real actresses don’t get to have their own emotions, she knew that. Everyone knew that. But Ruth had  _ so many _ … 

She thought more about Debbie. Debbie, who had a million suitors. Who had adoring fans around every corner, who could have  _ anyone she wanted _ . Ruth should feel special that she chose her, of all people. The catch was, she knew that Debbie hadn’t really “chosen” her. She was just bored of all the valets. Bored of men. She’d complained to Ruth about it a million times. It was less that Ruth was “special,” she was just… different. A new experience. 

Ruth felt herself sink into the mattress and started to breathe heavily. Even so, she didn’t know what in the world made Debbie pick  _ her _ . She was ordinary at best, not very strong or talented. She was small and plain. Her hair was perpetually messy. She practically lived in jeans. Debbie was a goddess, and she was mediocre at best. No, not even mediocre,  **bad** for her. She had damaged Debbie beyond repair… and on purpose at that. Debbie doesn’t belong with someone like that...She deserves more. She deserves better.

Those last phrases played and replayed in Ruth’s mind over and over again. She deserves  _ more _ . She deserves  _ better.  _ Tears began to spill down her cheeks in bunches. She deserves  _ more _ . She deserves  _ better. _ She couldn’t move, the world was spinning around her. Suddenly, everything was too bright. Everything was too loud. It’s… terrifying. It’s terrifying, and she was stuck in the middle of it all. 

_ No. _

Fuck.

She was stuck. 

Physically, she couldn’t move. Tears were billowing down her face in huge clumps as she desperately tried to tear herself out of the position she was in, but her limbs stayed there, completely limp. The realization shot fear down her spine like lightning. Hyperventilating, and at a total loss of any other options, she forced a wail out of her mouth. She had no idea how loud it was, she just hoped it was loud enough to get  _ anyone’s  _ attention. 

Debbie came running to the bedroom, fussing with the door. More panic ran through Ruth’s body as she realized she had locked it after she came in. 

“Ruth?? Ruth, what happened, are you okay?? Fuck, why is the door locked, I can’t-“ Debbie burst through the door, finally jiggling it loose (and possibly breaking the lock in the process) to find Ruth sprawled out on the bed, looking like a wreck. Her eyes went wide. This was serious.

“Ruth, talk to me, are you, what- what happened??” She stammered, doing her best to swallow her own panic.

Ruth struggled for words through the tears. “I… I can’t… my arms… I…” She swallowed gasps of air. Her chest felt so heavy...

“Okay, okay, that’s alright, that’s okay. Uhm. Can I, uhm, can I touch you?” 

Ruth nodded quickly. Debbie immediately took her hand, squeezing it lightly. “Can you feel that?” Ruth nodded. “Okay good, that’s good. Can you move your fingers?” Ruth tried, hitting an invisible barrier. She was completely frozen. Another sob overtook her as she shook her head no. “That’s alright. Can you sit up if I help you?” She nodded. Debbie dug her hand under her body and found the small of her back, bringing her other arm around the other side and lifting her up against her. 

“What do you need right now, Ruth? Can you try to tell me?”

Ruth choked out an answer, “....you…” 

Debbie looked at her in confusion and dismay, she hated seeing her a wreck like this. Even in the past, when she was angry beyond belief with her, it was so hard. She made a decision, and wrapped her arms tightly around her, determined not to let go until Ruth was ready.

After a few minutes, the feeling fizzled back into Ruth’s extremities, and she started to move them about, just to make sure they were still there. She was shaking violently, but starting to calm down. She relaxed against her girlfriend and melted into her arms.

There they stayed, resting against each other silently, until Ruth slowly pulled away. She couldn’t look Debbie in the eyes, for fear it would start all over again. 

“Ruth,” Debbie whispered gently but intensely, all at once, “What happened?”

“Panic attack,” Ruth forced out, in a small, broken voice. “Happens sometimes.”

“No, I mean, what  _ happened? _ What, you know, caused it?”

Ruth sat in silence. She had done such a good job at keeping her insecurities at bay, but here she was, nowhere to hide, about to break the dam. She bit the bullet and looked Debbie in the eyes. The big, beautiful eyes that she absolutely didn’t deserve to have trained on her. It was too much. She sobbed violently and threw herself into the crook of Debbie’s neck. 

“You deserve so much more…” She murmured weakly through the tears, muffled against her skin. Debbie’s blood went cold.  _ This is what this was about? _ She held Ruth tightly to her chest, rubbing light circles on her back. There were so many things she  _ wanted  _ to say. “ _ Ruth, I left my fucking  _ **_marriage_ ** _ for you,” _ or “ _ when the hell are you going to stop putting me on a pedestal.”  _ But she swallowed all of it. Debbie was rough, and Ruth was fragile, that’s how it’s always been. She needed her to be fragile now, too. 

“Ruthie, you know that’s not true.” She spoke in a whisper. If she spoke too loudly, too boldly, she risked tears of her own. “Where is this coming from?”

“It’s always been like this. I just, I can’t get out of my head, and you’re  _ so  _ wonderful and…” She trailed off and took a deep breath, not wanting to work herself back into a tizzy. “And… I don’t want to mess it up.”

Debbie took a minute to process everything. Ruth was right, it  _ had  _ always been this way. She’d said it so many times. Even before the...incident, she would make offhand jokes or comments about it. She would harbor a weary look in her eyes whenever they talked about Debbie’s latest comings and goings. Even now, in small moments. Her hesitations in the bedroom, not knowing if, or rather, not believing she was worthy of touching her so intimately. Of being with her at all. She had had so many opportunities to fix it and make it right, but she just blew it off like it wasn’t important. Like  _ Ruth _ wasn’t important. She did this, and now it was her turn to pick up the pieces and glue them all back together.

Debbie ran her hands through Ruth’s hair and held her there, against her. She felt completely numb from her realization.

“I didn’t know… I didn’t know it was this bad…” Tears fell down her cheek onto Ruth’s sweater, and her voice started to break. 

“I didn’t know.”




  
  


After some more cleaning themselves up, a hearty dinner, and plenty of enthusiastic stories from Ruth about some of the more odd and ridiculous people she’d seen come and go in her auditioning adventures, the two ended up back in bed. It was nearing midnight, and the apartment was dead silent. Ruth was curled up sweetly on her side of the bed, already beginning to doze off. The poor thing was exhausted, and would probably still wake up at the crack of dawn. Debbie couldn’t sleep at all. 

She decided she needed to do something about it. Debbie swung her body to the side and wrapped her arms around Ruth, as if holding on for dear life, which prompted her to utter a small noise of delight, yet confusion. Debbie silently held on for a minute.

“You're the most important person in my entire goddamn life”

Ruth offered no response just yet, she only brought her hands up to meet Debbie’s. 

“I mean it.” Debbie breathed in the moment as much as possible. This was her moment to make things right. 

Ruth turned to face her. They were mere inches from each other, and yet, the vulnerability of it all felt somehow safer than anything else. 

“I know. I need some time to  _ know _ know, but I know.”

Debbie leaned in to give her a soft, meaningful kiss. Ruth knew exactly what it meant. They always were better at actions than words.

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy! This was a fic I had in mind for quite a while, and I wanted to breakdown the moment where Debbie fully realizes the extent of Ruth's insecurities about their relationship. The panic attack Ruth has is directly modeled after the ones I have, namely a particularly bad one I had in February, where I completely lost feeling in all of my extremities. It was resolved similarly, a friend was hugging me until I relaxed enough to regain control. Ruth has mentioned her anxiety in the series, and I wanted to explore it a little. Anyways, enjoy this, and go listen to Line Without a Hook by Ricky Montgomery :)


End file.
